my sister went back to uni today and it’s weird for her to not be around. i need to stop eating everything i can get my hands on. i need to exercise and stop being so goddamn lazy. i’m sick of spending all day every day at college on my own. i’m sick of train rides and bus journeys and waiting rooms and delays and bus stops and shelters, train platforms and sitting on cold walls and waiting for texts and the right moment. i’m fed up of hearing things i don’t want to hear, i’m sick of shitty people who aren’t capable of leaving me the fuck alone, i’m bored of sitting in bed watching tv. i’m bored of waiting for something to happen, i’m tired of working, of having money, of all the worry of spending it. i’m tired of making an effort. getting dressed is hard, going college is hard, doing things is hard. watching a film is hard. going to sleep is hard. staying awake is hard. keeping my eyes open, shutting them. talking or staying silent. black or white. out or in. up or down. forwards or backwards? down, and backwards. down. i hope things get a little better. i have things to look forward to. or things i ought to look forward to.

sometimes i think what is the point

you know all i do is work and go college and see the same people every so often and watch tv or chill. sometimes i go out in town but it’s draining. everyone is having a great time with their friends and boyfriends and girlfriends and student life and i go out and dance and feel like i’m happy but i’m not because at the end of the night when i’m lying on the floor trying to sleep and my brain is working overtime i’m pretty much totally alone and i get up in the morning and i leave early alone and i work alone and have my break alone and go home alone and go to bed and spend sunday alone and then wow we have a new week and i’m thinking IS THERE NOTHING MORE THAN THIS 

i can’t

i can’t think why i ought to bother going to uni and studying and partying and feeling like shit all the time and being average and getting a job and earning money and buying shit and earning more money and buying more shit

what is the point WHAT IS THE POINT

none of it makes me any happier does it really none of this shit makes me happy. i’m either happy or i’m not and buying shit doesn’t make any difference to me at all

i feel like there is a HUGE HOLE somewhere 

like

there’s definitely something missing

everything feels so totally completely wrong